How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

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   Cooperation is won through form, not volume: you describe instead of accusing, offer two choices instead of an order, say «when-then» instead of «if you don't», and give information instead of an instruction.

   How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk · 1980

   An accusation calls for a defence, a description calls for a cloth.

   Six moves with their examples, usable from three years old to eighteen. One, describe instead of accusing: "there is spilt milk on the table", not "you've spilt it again". An accusation calls for a defence, a description calls for a cloth. Two, give the information, not the order: "milk goes off if it stays out". A child who is told why makes the link once and keeps it. Three, two choices, both acceptable to you: "you dress yourself or I dress you", "we start with maths or with Romanian". A limited choice gives control over the form without giving control over the substance, and cuts most power struggles. Four, "when-then" instead of "if you don't": "when the toys are away, we go to the park" says the same thing as the threat but puts the weight on what follows rather than on what is lost. Five, say it in one word: "schoolbag". The two-minute sermon has been ignored since the second year of school. Six, write a note instead of repeating yourself a tenth time; it works surprisingly well, because it has no tone. The rule above all of them: do not negotiate in a crisis. A child in full fury does not process arguments, so first you bring the volume down and only then discuss, sometimes an hour later.

   “Describe what you see, or describe the problem. 'I see a wet towel on the bed' does more than 'how many times have I told you' — because it leaves the child the action rather than the defence.”

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